The Edge of Safety

Everything important in life I learned before I was six.

My Mom and I started off on our own. She was a single mom until I was six. My Dad was a little on the wild side, to put it mildly. She figured that the best place for him was away from us. At nineteen years old she bundled me up and ran away to safety.

I don't have many memories about those first six years - just vignettes and snapshots that are random and out of sequence.  When I think about those years I get the picture of Christopher Robin in a rain jacket skipping through mud puddles.

‘One, two, buckle my shoe’

We lived with my Grandparents for awhile. Then we got a place on Park Avenue. That's the Park Avenue in Kelowna, B.C., Canada not Park Avenue, New York, N.Y., USA. There are probably no two points on the Earth farther apart than the two Park Avenues.

Mom worked. I remember a pizza restaurant called the Colony. The memory of this place is the clearest of my first six years. I remember the name of the restaurant, how my mom looked, the smells and the tastes - especially the taste of pizza. Every payday Friday we would have a mushroom and olive pizza. We were vegetarians. I thought everyone was. In the 60's many were.

To this day I associate mushrooms and olives with being safe and happy.

This feeling of safety started to fade when I was six. My mom remarried and I had two half sisters in rapid succession. I was a sensitive kid and I didn't adapt very well. I didn't feel like I fit and I didn't have that feeling of safety any more.

And then this happened ------------------------------->

I spent a decade or so chasing my tail and trying to fit in. I all but erased the simple lessons of my first six years.

I was unhappy and unsafe.

I am happy to report my eventual return to happy and safe. The circle is complete. Today these feelings come from within and are supported by a loving wife and three daughters. There is no longer any question of where I fit. Not only am I safe but I now provide safety to others.

Last night my six-year-old wanted to sleep with me. She wanted to feel safe. Sprawled diagonally across my bed, her blanket had fallen off and she'd dropped her stuffy. I fixed her blanket and realised it was the wrong stuffy. I went to her room and got the right one.

In that moment, as she squeezed her stuffy and sunk a little deeper into the pillow, she knew what safe and happy felt like. She didn't know how or why and it didn't matter. It was part of her now. It would kick in when she needed it.

Before the complications and compound complications love was simple, not something that had to be worked on. My Mom taught me all I ever needed to know about love and life in my first six years. She taught me a lifetime of value before either of us ever found out about the things we didn't know.

"One, two, buckle my shoe ..."

Happy Mother's Week.

The Edge of Reason

"It's beter to keep your mouth shut and have people think you a fool than speak and remove all doubt." Mark Twain et. al.

I attributed the quote above to Mark Twain et. al. as there is some debate as to its genesis. Regardless of origin, this little pearl of wisdom has served me well. When I am unsure of where I stand or, more frequently, when I am not fit for Human consumption, I try to listen more and speak less. 

I learned this lesson only after many years of conflict, trial and error.

For most of my thirties I worked in an office with twenty-five employees. I was the only man. I worked there for seven years. I was in a senior management postion. Any authority I had over my employees was an illusion that I was allowed to entertain from time to time. 

Any true managing that I was able to achieve was through the art of strategic submission. I leaned more about how to get along with the Humans during those years than all the combined years before and since. Overall I managed to play well with the other kids. I learned to brush off the passive aggressive jabs that I had become accustom to having for lunch - for the most part.  

There were a few conflicts which I chose to engaged in with way too much vigor.

The delicate art of assertively setting and maintaining boundaries came slowly.  Rather, I spent many nights plotting revenge on those who I was convinced were picking on me. Ultimately I resorted to guerilla tactics. 

I would spend an entire week crafting an e-mail to be concise,  hard-hitting and full of double meaning and deniability. I fuelled fires with with phrases such as: "I understand how difficult ... I am happy to assist with ...  complex issues for a person of your .... given your limited ..." 

My objective was to exact revenge while maintaining deniability. 

At exactly 4:25 on Friday afternoon. I would send the e-mail, turn off my computer and go home for the weekend. I would be the last this the recipient would see before their weekend. They were left unable to respond. Monday they would be apoplectic. 

A little, little man   

Ultimately that job crashed into a mountain and I was eaten in the ensuing weeks. I will always be grateful for that experience. I was in the most precarious social situation I could imagine. As a result I have never since found a personality conflict I am unable to rise above. 

From this experience, I developed the single best strategy to promote peaceful relations with the Humans. I sleep on it - that's it. I don't react in the moment I go home and let it sit for a night. Almost all the time the problem resolves itself as I sleep. When it doesn't I am able to find a way to resolve it with out bloodshed or viscous e-mail campaigns. 

I still write e-mails to resolve resentments but I have my wife proofread them first. 

Today I know that I need to play well with the other kids. It's just not worth the price I pay. Besides, I need all the energy I have to be the best husband and father I can be.  I don't have the luxury of nursing resentments. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

The reason I went on this rant today was because I have been on a YouTube safari this past week checking out slam poetry and spoken word recitals. I was looking for inspiration from my own poetry and trying to get a feel for what goes on out there in the world. I even thought I could see where my place might be...  

I am going to close off by following the wise words of Mark Twain et. al. 

I will say ... its not pretty (click).

Edge of Poetry

Another crossover post from Collateral Damn-edge. I hope you enjoy.

April is over and I'm till still standing ...

I started back into writing and blogging last September and writing poetry in mid February and this post will mark the 50th poem I've written for Poetry Month. That's what we call baptism by fire where I come from. I've particularly enjoyed writing and learning about Haiku and Haibun from Chevrefeuilles Carpe Diem and Haiku Heights. I have been following their daily prompts for April. Through these prompts I was able to keep up with the Blogging from A to Z Challenge as well.  

I read, watched and listened to a plethora of poetry during Poetry Month. Velvet Verbosity and their 100 Word Challenge provided some kick-ass links to contemporary poets and spoken word performances.  I have spent hours YouTubing - Katie Tempest and Katie Makkai were pretty intense. There are other poetry challenges I have partaken in such as Recuerda Mi Corazon this past month and I have been a regular at the Trifecta, Yeah Write and Write on Edge challenges which are mostly flash fiction. 

It's been a little overwhelming.

My YouTube poetry tour both inspired and depressed me. I noticed that my demographic, middle-aged-heterosexual-white-men, were not only under-represented but quite often the target of poetic angst. That's okay, I didn't take it personally; however, it was the inspiration for my poem It's Not Pretty. 

I truly love poetry, both writing and reading. If any of you have recommendations for inspiring poets I would love to hear your suggestions. I am interested in all forms of poetry. My  colleagues in the challenges I partake in are my main inspiration. It is a great community that I have stumbled upon and I am grateful and humbled to be a part of it. 

There have been some great moments. 

Muchos Gracias (as we say in Canada).

As the last post of Poetry Month I am going to wrap up my A-Z obligations with Haiku Heights and the last prompt of April for Carpe Diem. I am left with three prompts: Honey, Youngling and Zebra.

birds and bees

pooh bear's empty tummy

yummy honey

wasted youth

fuels the written word

poetic justice

a zebra

without its fancy stripes

is a horse

mornings with mary
a simple prayer of thanks
and we are set free

poetry

A to Z in April

last stanza

The Edge of Awakening

(I have been posting my essay / personal development type posts here on Notes from the Edge and my poetry / fiction posts on my other blog Collateral Damn-Edge. Sometimes the two meet in the middle and I post on both. This one fits that bill. This is called a "Haibun" it is a set of prose followed by a set of poetic form called a Haiku.)

"Bodhi in Buddhism is the understanding possessed by a Buddha regarding the nature of things. It is traditionally translated into English with the word enlightenment and literally means awakened. Bodhi is knowledge of the causal mechanism by which beings incarnate into material form and experience suffering." Carpe Diem

I'm no expert in Buddhism but I understand that the ultimate goal is enlightenment and that is described as the absence of suffering. I live in a Christian home and go to church and do all the things that Christians do (not all). None-the-less, I do appreciate Buddhism for the pure and very accessible spiritual belief that it is.

I have a saying: "the more I look at what Jesus, Buddha, Mohamed, Moses the Indigenous spiritual leaders are saying the more convinced I am that they all went to the same high school." 

For instance, this whole idea of "absence of suffering" the Bible talks about "Peace that surpasses all comprehension". As for awakening, well I don't think I have to explain the parallel here. 

I want to thank Carpe Diem for pointing out to me once again that there are far more similarities between people, cultures and even religions that we like to believe.  If we could learn to embrace this our World would be a much better place. 

I don't care who you are, we could all use a little "Bodhi!"

awakening

 suffering happens

absolute truth

awakening

suffering has causes

absolute truth

awakening

suffering can stop

absolute truth

peace beyond 

all comprehension

 suffering ceases

I can do all things 

through Christ who strengthens me

absolute truth

arguing about

religion causes suffering

absolute truth

loving our 

brothers and sisters

suffering ceases

fear creates 

what only Love can cure

Love more fear less

The Edge of Balance

I am not good at balance. 

That's not to say I am unbalanced, although that argument has been made. By balance, I mean doing an appropriate amount of the activities that occupy my day. As far as I can tell, a balanced Human ought to spend an appropriate portion of their time on family, work, exercise, recreation, personal development and um... er ... finances.

I have been known to use my Master Card to balance my Visa statement.

We've all heard the idea of balance as it relates to mental, physical, emotional and spiritual development.  I have found this a helpful barometer for measuring balance in my life, however, the times that I have actually achieved any real balance have been rare. I tend to focus on one of these areas and become obsessed, sacrificing other areas of my life in the process. 

For example, when I turned forty, riddled with anxiety and acutely aware of my ginourmous ass, I took up competitive karate and kickboxing. I lived and breathed martial arts for the next few years.  I was training up to 20 hours a week and ended up winning the Canadian Finals for the World Karate and Kickboxing Council in 2011. As great as that sounds I can remember squaring off against a 250 pound silverback and thinking it may be time to work on the spiritual side of my life.

Then we had another baby. 

Just in time for my mid-mid-life-crisis. I decided to change the focus of my work and pursue a career in writing - a life long dream for me. Now, I can write gooder than most - but I know very little about the business of writing. I figured I could just wing it. There is allot to the business of writing, other than writing. There is also no shortage of people wanting to offer free advice. The thing about free advice is you never know if your going to get your money's worth. I've chased down many roads that ultimately lead to the unemployment line. 

Staying true to my moderate and humble nature I started two blogs and a professional website and  posted 170 times in six months, writing over 100,000 words in the process. That's just blogging. In addition, I have managed to squeeze in some freelance writing contracts and even submitted a few poems and short stories for publication. 

Writing has become a gratifying experience - I enjoy it. I especially enjoy the flash fiction and poetry competitions that I do on Collateral Damn-Edge.  The problem is I'm like a lab rat - I just keep hitting that food dispenser even after they introduce the electric shock. 

So it's time for a gut check.

To a certain degree we all need to work on this idea of balance. The good news is we are in control. We can stop what we are doing any time and do things differently, which is exactly what I plan on doing.

Wish me luck as I continue to Muddle Through this thing called Life which is definitely a work in progress. I am confident I can manage more impulse control than a rodent.

Respectfully from the Edge.